Big Family Life Lessons: What Raising Six Kids Taught Me

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Before I had six kids, I had a lot of ideas about how a house should run. Clean counters. Folded towels. Dinners with more than one vegetable.

Then came six kids, ages 3 to 14, in a small 1950s house with one bathroom, five cats and a dog. Most of those ideas didn't survive. What I got instead was better: a handful of lessons no parenting book ever handed me.

Here are 18 of them, about the house, money and love. None of them are rules. They're just what a big, loud family has taught me so far.

Big family lessons about the house

1. Done is better than perfect

I used to hover over every chore. The towels were folded wrong, the floor had a missed spot, the dishwasher was loaded "backward." I finally had to stop trying to control every part of every job and let my kids make mistakes. That's how they get better. A chore done by a kid, a little crooked, beats a chore I redo myself every time.

2. A messy house means people live here

There has been a laundry basket in our living room since 2019. I've made peace with it. A house with eight people in it is going to look like eight people live there. I wrote more about that in how to make your home feel calm, even when it's a mess.

3. Everyone gets a job

With this many people, I can't do it all, and I shouldn't. My 14-year-old does the dishwasher on weekends before her phone. The boys are on trash. Everyone straightens their bed and lays out tomorrow's clothes. It's not always smooth (trash day is hit and miss), but everyone knows they're part of the team. Here's how I get kids to do chores without asking five times.

4. Laundry is never "done"

We run one or two loads every single day, plus a big wash on Sunday. I stopped waiting for the basket to be empty, because it never will be. The older kids fold their own, and I don't care if the fold is perfect. It just has to make it into the drawer.

5. Dinner doesn't need to be fancy

Six kids don't need a new recipe every night. They need to be fed. Simple meals cooked from scratch, a weekly list and store brands get us through, and nobody has ever complained that it wasn't fancy enough. More in how to save money on groceries for a big family.

6. Lower the bar, keep the routine

On a hard week, I don't drop the routine. I shrink it. Beds straightened, clothes out, backpacks by the door. The bar is low, but it's always there, and that's what keeps a house of eight from falling apart. Our school morning routine is built on exactly that.

Big family lessons about money

7. Buy less, buy once

My costliest mistake was buying matching bins for a whole room at once. Now I start with what's already in the house and buy one good thing when I actually need it. It's the same with Christmas: when the kids were little, I bought lots of cheap toys. Now it's fewer, better ones.

8. Hand-me-downs are a gift

With six kids, toys and clothes get passed down the line. When we declutter, "give it to your brother or sister" is its own pile. A toy that makes it through three kids is the best deal we ever got.

9. Kids want time more than toys

The things my kids talk about aren't the gifts. It's the Christmas lights drive a couple of towns over, family movie night, the car show we went to on a Saturday. Time is the thing they ask for again.

10. Bulk only pays if you'll use it

I shop Sam's Club and Costco, and bulk saves us money. But I learned that buying big can backfire with kids: when they see more, they want more. A giant box of snacks on the counter disappears in two days. Now I keep the big packages hidden and bring them out a bit at a time. Here's how I keep six kids in after school snacks on $50 a week.

11. A budget is a plan, not a punishment

Every kid gets the same number of Christmas gifts, and we spend on purpose. We recently canceled a couple of subscriptions we weren't using. None of that feels like going without. It feels like choosing. Here's what I actually spend on Christmas for six kids.

12. Memories beat stuff

On Christmas morning, before anyone opens a gift, we each say what we're grateful for. My kids won't remember most of what was under the tree. They'll remember that.

Big family lessons about love

13. Every kid needs one-on-one time

In a family of eight, it's easy for a kid to get lost in the crowd. So I alternate Saturdays and take one kid out for a special day. Sometimes it's ice cream or Starbucks, sometimes the movies, sometimes it's just running errands or grocery shopping together. It doesn't have to be big. It just has to be theirs.

14. Siblings are built-in friends (most days)

My boys build forts out of scrap wood in the backyard. The girls play make-believe with their dolls for hours. On good days, they don't need anyone else. On the other days, see number 16. More on that in how to raise kind kids.

15. Fair isn't always equal

My 14-year-old stays up later than everyone else. My 11-year-old gets more one-on-one time from me, because he's having a harder year and needs help focusing on homework. Fair doesn't mean everyone gets the same thing. It means everyone gets what they need.

16. Kids fight. Teach them to repair.

When a fight breaks out, I separate them first and give them space. Once they've cooled off, I talk to each one alone and try to help them see it from their sibling's side. It doesn't fix everything, but it teaches them that a fight isn't the end. Our calm down strategies for kids help with the first part.

17. Mom needs a break too

I read every night until I fall asleep, and it's how I recharge. (Kindle Unlimited keeps me in books without the cost adding up.) And sometimes my husband and I go out on a Saturday for a couple of hours while our 14-year-old babysits. We went through a rough patch this year, and it taught me that time together doesn't just happen. You have to make it.

18. Love grows. It never runs out.

Before my second baby, I worried I wouldn't love another child as much as the first. Six kids later, I can tell you love doesn't get split up. It just gets bigger.

What raising a big family really teaches you

Most of these lessons come down to the same thing: let go of how it's supposed to look, and hold on to the people in it.

The days are long. The years fly. If you need a little help keeping the house running while you enjoy them, our Chore Routine Kit is what we use to share the work.