How to Raise Kind Kids: 20 Simple Habits From a Mom of Six

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Six kids, one bathroom, and a house that's never quiet. You learn fast that kindness isn't a nice extra in a family like ours. It's the only way we all get through the day.

My kids are 14, 12, 11, 8, 6 and 3. They fight over the last waffle, the front seat and whose turn it is with the tablet charger. They're also the kids who pass their outgrown toys down to a sibling without being asked, and who wrap homemade gifts for each other every Christmas.

I didn't teach them that with a speech. Kindness gets learned in small, boring, everyday moments, over and over. Here are the 20 simple habits we lean on, sorted by where they happen.

Start with you

1. Model it first

Kids copy what we do long before they listen to what we say. If they hear me thank the cashier, let someone go ahead in line, and say please to my own kids, that becomes normal. If they hear me snap at a customer service rep, that becomes normal too.

2. Let them see you repair

I lose my temper sometimes. Everyone does. What matters is what happens next. I go back and say, "I'm sorry I yelled. That wasn't fair to you." It shows them that a mistake isn't the end of the story, and that grown-ups apologize too.

3. Teach the pause

A lot of unkind words come out in the first two seconds of being mad. When I feel it coming, I take a few deep breaths and leave the room for a few minutes. My kids have watched me do it for years. Now some of them do it too. I wrote more about it in our calm down strategies for kids.

4. Be kind to yourself, out loud

Kids notice how we talk about ourselves. If I burn dinner, I try to say "Oops, I made a mistake. I'm still a good cook," not "I'm so stupid." Kindness to others is a lot easier for a kid who isn't hard on themselves.

Give it words

5. Name kind moments

When I catch someone being kind, I say it out loud: "That was kind, letting her go first." It takes two seconds. Kids repeat what gets noticed, and in a big family, getting noticed is a big deal.

6. Ask how others feel

"How do you think your sister felt when that happened?" is one of the most useful questions I know. It doesn't lecture. It just makes them stop and picture it from the other side.

7. Practice a real sorry

A mumbled "sorry" on the way out of the room doesn't count. In our house, a real sorry says what you did and asks how to fix it: "I'm sorry I knocked over your tower. Can I help build it back?" It's harder, and it means more.

8. Talk kindly about others

Kids pick up on gossip fast, even the grown-up kind. At dinner, I try to steer toward the good: who helped you today, what was funny, who did something nice. It's a small habit that changes the tone of the whole table.

Practice at home

9. Share the jobs

With eight people, nobody gets to be the guest. At the end of the day, before dad gets home, everyone pitches in on the living room. My 14-year-old does the dishwasher on weekends. Helping is kindness you can see, and it teaches kids that home is something we take care of together. Here's how we get kids to do chores without asking five times.

10. Help a sibling

Big kids tie little kids' shoes. Older ones read a book to the 3-year-old. It doesn't have to be a big job. Giving older kids a small way to help a younger one builds kindness and patience at the same time.

11. Take turns, don't force sharing

This one surprised me. Forcing a kid to hand over a toy the second someone asks usually makes them grip it harder. We take turns instead, and a few special things get to stay theirs. Kids who feel safe with their own stuff are much more willing to share the rest.

12. Care for something

We have five cats and a dog, and my 12-year-old has a real green thumb with our planter. The little ones help too, with their own kids' garden tools. Something that needs feeding and watering every day teaches a kid that other living things depend on them. That's kindness with a schedule.

Look outward

13. Include the new kid

I tell my kids: if someone is sitting alone, save them a seat or ask them to play. It's one of the kindest things a kid can do, and one of the scariest. Practicing what to say at home makes it easier on the playground.

14. Stand up gently

Kindness isn't only being nice. Sometimes it's saying "That's not okay" when someone is being picked on, and telling a grown-up. Kids need to know that's allowed, and that they won't get in trouble for it.

15. Notice the helpers

Bus drivers, nurses, the lunch lady, the mail carrier. We thank them together. It helps kids see that a lot of people work hard to take care of them, even people they don't know by name.

16. Donate together

When we declutter toys before Christmas, every kid helps sort their own bin, and there's always a donate pile. They pick what goes. At Christmas, we also give to the kids' school toy drive. When they choose the gift, it means something to them.

Keep it going

17. Write thank-you notes

A thank-you note doesn't have to be fancy. For the little ones, a drawing counts. We keep a big roll of drawing paper around for exactly this. Sitting down to say thanks makes kids stop and think about what someone did for them.

18. Give without credit

Secret kindness is the best kind. Every Christmas, my kids make and wrap gifts for each other. My girls love their bracelet and charm kit for this, and everyone can make something with a DIY ornament kit. Try a secret kind act too: make a sibling's bed, leave a note in a lunchbox. No reward, no announcement. Just the good feeling.

19. Read kind stories

Four of my kids are huge readers, some on paper and one on his Kindle Kids. Books are a safe place to talk about hard things. After a story, I like to ask, "What would you have done?" Kids will say things about a character that they'd never say about themselves.

20. Make it daily

On Christmas morning, before anyone opens a gift, we each say what we're grateful for. It puts everything in perspective, because a lot of kids and families have nothing. You don't have to wait for Christmas. One kind thing, shared at dinner, is enough to make it a habit.

You don't have to do all 20

Pick one or two that fit your family this week. Naming kind moments and a real sorry are a good place to start, because they work at every age, from 3 to 14.

Kind kids aren't kids who never fight. Mine fight plenty. They're kids who know how to say sorry, how to notice someone else, and how to make it right. That gets learned at home, one small moment at a time.

If your house feels too loud for any of this to stick, start here: how to make your home feel calm, even when it's a mess.